Though now I'm over a day behind in blogging.... I have to remind myself there is grace... that my life doesn't always allow for an hour or more sitting at the computer to sift through my day.
With that being said....
There is plenty rolling around in my head and heart right now. The last few days have been so busy-- and yet I am absorbing so much. Sometimes I wish my brain/heart could just turn off and I could coast through the busyness. And again, I say that, but can't imagine it any other way-- and for the most part, I'm actually thankful God created me the way I am. I think where I get hung up is the fact that God has given me the gift to "see" people..... to see their hearts when they share their lives, to see desires/hurts/doubts-- and to feel those things with them-- and yet sometimes I feel unseen. I am always thinking about how what I say will affect someone else-- and in a lot of ways this makes it really hard for me to talk about how I'm feeling. I don't want anyone to take personally my feelings-- or to be hurt by what I am thinking about/processing through. There is a song I am just loving right now-- because it highlights that even though God- in his vast omnipotence and wonder- has created and brought forth life... he still knows me. I can't worry about being seen by those in my life I feel should see me when I am so overwhelmed by the fact that God sees me. Not only that he sees me... but KNOWS me. I love this. I find myself repeatedly dwelling on this beautiful part of my relationship with God-- and singing these lyrics out loud... only makes it that much more concrete to me.
//You have been and you will be. You have seen and you will see. You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, You see it all. You hung the stars and you move the sea- And still you know me. {Oh} You know me. {Oh} You have been and you will be. You have seen and you will see. You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, You see it all. You hung the stars and move the seas- And still you know me. {Oh} You know me. {Oh} And nothing is hidden from your sight, Where ever I go you find me, And you know every detail of my life- Cause you are God and you don't miss a thing. And nothing is hidden from your sight, Where ever I go you find me, And you know every detail of my life- Cause you are God and you don't miss a thing. {OH} You know me. {Oh} You know me. {Oh} You memorize me.//
It is so right out of Psalm 139 (verses 1-18)... "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. [He knows me] You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. [he isn't just familiar with some of my ways, but all of them] Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, [I am so undeserving] too lofty for me to attain. [there is nothing I could do to deserve it] Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? [No matter where I go he is with me] If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. [in essence, he will never let me go] If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light becomes night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; [no matter what our circumstances, we are found in him!] the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. [who can possibly know me better than him?!] I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. [even though I sometimes forget] My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. [every part of me is known to you] When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. [even incomplete, he sees me] All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. [he is in every single moment] How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. [he thinks of me more than I can even imagine] When I awake, I am still with you." I especially love this last part "When I awake, I am still with you." Still -- meaning he never left. Even if I feel alone, I can rest in the promise that I am never alone.
Thank you so much God.... for knowing me and seeing me. Always, even when I can't look past where I'm at.... you continue to know and see me.
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