Be Still

The only thing I really hate about pregnancy, for myself, is that I become irritated so easily by things that normally wouldn't bother me so much. Last night, Miah had a tickle in his throat all night long. Every single time I would fall asleep, he would AHEM or cough or clear his throat really loud. Finally, after being irritated for a while, I got up and got him a cough drop. The next time he made noise I asked him if he needed one. He willingly took it but then it was a whole range of other annoying sounds that came from him. Crunching on the cough drop, the cough drop clinking around in his mouth, etc. Let me just say, when he finally left for work this morning, I slept the best I slept all night.

And now I know why God has been hammering home Ephesians 4:6 in me. Its just like God to wait until I am in the MOST teachable place to really work this out in me. Bearing with one another in love. Looking past all the irritating things that jump out at me right now and loving in spite of all of it. It really makes me want to laugh (at God's "sense of humor") and scream (because it is SO hard) all at the same time! It is with caution that I am throwing myself out there and laying down all of my pride, irritation, and insensitivity. I know God is going to S T R E T C H me beyond what I even think I can handle. But in that, I also know He will be faithful and will hone me into the person He wants me to be. Its funny because not pregnant, it is way easier for me to overlook things that irritate me and to leave them in God's hands. This hormone imbalance is sometimes enough to send me over the edge.

I can think of one person who I am forced to deal with on a regular basis-- and I know God wants to work this relationship out. What's frustrating to me is that whenever I willingly move forward in relationship with her, she totally takes advantage of me and hurts me. I struggle on a regular basis with her attitude and her mentality that everyone (including me) owes her EVERYTHING. She seeks drama like a drug and nothing is ever okay in her life. It is exhausting being around her. I feel like she sucks the life out of me. Maybe I'm not depending enough on Christ in my relationship with her. Bearing with her in love is one of the most difficult challenges I face.

Jesus, I so need you. You know I desire change in this area.... my heart is open to you. Forgive my shortcomings, my irritations, and my impatience with those you love so deeply. Change in me what needs to be changed, help me define healthy boundaries, push me to love even the most unlovely in people. I desire more and more of you. Fill my spirit and soul -- I want to lose sight of where I end and you begin. My love for you never ends. As does your love for me. Draw me deeper.