Not really insane but there have been moments when I thought maybe I am going a little crazy. Turns out poor sweet baby Z has ear infections that would make the worst bacteria proud. No wonder she has been so sleepy during the day and allowing me to hold her to fall asleep (she usually prefers to be laid down and to put herself to sleep). I can't say I am sad about that last part. I really do enjoy having her fall asleep in my arms- all warm and cuddly and soft and deliciously cute. Still, I am quite sad that she is already having ear troubles.
Sweet Z being sick hasn't made things any easier this week, neither has the constant battle of wills I am fighting with the 5 year old. I have to admit that after his mandatory nap today, he was like a different child. And let me tell you, that was a joyful relief in light of what we have been dealing with this week..... I can literally FEEL myself being stretched and though the feeling isn't exactly wonderful, it does come with a certain amount of excitement for whatever lies ahead. You know that scripture in Thessalonians?? Pray continually?? Yes.... that is me. :)
So much on my heart today, I don't even really know where to start. Maybe that is why I am spending the precious hour I have to myself processing through it all.
On the forefront of my mind..... We have a worship retreat coming up in April. I would really like to go, since we didn't go last year (my mom was having her transplant that weekend), but just found out its a child free weekend (even for nursing babies). Miah says, Its just one weekend-- Z can just have formula all weekend-- etc etc etc. Its not just the missing out on nursing her for an entire weekend that I am having a hard time with. The only other child I left for a weekend as a little baby was Isabel-- who was already on formula-- AND I left her with Miah. I know I would be distracted the entire time wondering if she was doing ok... and having to take breaks every 3 hours to pump wouldn't help....not to mention, I just don't know that I am all that comfortable leaving her with anyone for a whole weekend. I'm sure it sounds stupid--she's just a baby-- and it IS just one weekend. She probably won't even remember it. But I will. And somehow, that is enough for me. I am totally fine with Miah going by himself but he REALLY wants me to go with him. I am still praying about it. I just don't know. I can't even explain my feelings about leaving Z for so long. One night maybe... but two? Just seems so long.
Secondly, I have been asking myself some hard questions lately..... Am I serving in every way God is asking me to? What more can I do to serve those around me? Is my life living evidence of God's love for people? Do others see Christ in me by how I live? What are some more practical ways I can serve every day? I want my life to be a living reflection of who Christ is--- to overflow that in every aspect of my daily life--- so much so that others are blessed and feel touched by God through my example. I am actively laying every desire I have at His feet and offering myself as an open vessel for His love and presence to be poured out. I want to always be listening to His voice and sensitive to where the Spirit is leading me to minister.
Jesus, take my humble and broken spirit and make it wholly yours. Use me, help me to be free and willing to follow however and wherever you lead. My greatest desire is to pour out your love on all those I come into contact with. I want to be wholly and completely yours. No holding back, no insecurity, just faith in what I know is true. You answer prayer, you meet needs, you heal the sick. I am asking for divine appointments and greater faith to see miracles every day. I love you Lord, thank you for always loving me and for using me to love the lost to you.
I believe it is good for all of us to reflect on those questions, but I hope you know that last week showed how Christ's love pours out of you! AND you minister to me in SO many ways...I know He will continue to use you!!
ReplyDeleteI read this post awhile ago and have been wondering how to respond. I totally agree with the above comment about reflecting on the ministry that God has put us in, Whether it be to our family or those outside our family. You minister by your presence Jenn. Your life is a living testament to the power of Christ in us.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling your pain concerning the worship retreat. I really don't have any wise words of wisdom but know that I am praying for you to be given clear direction. I still find it hard to balance the wife and mom roles. Ted, at times. is intense about only wanting me, aside from the boys. But when we are in the middle of doing daily life, it is hard to come away. We have had many conversations concerning this matter lately. I don't like being caught in the middle. But it has also caused me to come up with ways to affirm Ted so he doesn't feel the need to compete for my time. Our expectations are different, so it helps to talk. I have learned a lot about him in the last several months. Bringing the details of my life before the throne has helped greatly in being aware of the balance. It is a daily journey.
Love you so much Jenn.